Thursday, May 20, 2010

500 Ways To Make Money Besides Getting A Job: A Self-Help Book For Lazy And Useless People

Are you lazy? Are you useless? Don't want to get a job? Well then, you're in luck, because this self-help book will teach you how to make easy money!

1. Get A Job
Seriously.

2. Write Self Help Books
Writing a book might earn you lots of money, and if you write a self-help book, you don't even need any talent! Just pick a topic and spew some nonsense! You don't even have to understand the topic! Amazing!


3. Buy Self Help Books On Earning Money
Oops! Publishing error! This should be in my next self-help book: How to Lose Massive Amounts of Money Due To You Being An Idiot


4. Get A Job
Get a job! Get a job! Get a job! Get a job! Get a job! Get a job! Get a job! Get a job!

5. Kill People
You can take their money afterwards! Sucks to be you if they don't carry a wallet! Ha! Ha ha! Ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha!


6. Get A Job

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha! Ha!

7. Steal People's Personal Information!

This one is really easy because people are idiots! Just start a website and then post advertisements around the web! And then ask them to come to your website and put their names, dates of birth, credit card numbers, and other personal information!

8. Rob A Bank!

Just go in and start shooting people! Robbing a bank is that simple!

9. Get A Job!

Just go in and start shooting people! Going to work is that simple!

10. Start A Website And Post Advertisements All Over The Page For Ad Revenue! And Then Spam Your Page All Over The Web!

Show it to yourself! Show it to yourself! Show it to yourself! Make a virus and force other people to look at it!

11. Write A Book And Create Fake Reviews And Paraphrase Real Reviews!
Speaking of which, did you know how well received this book is?

"Es muchos buenos!" ~ Half Of The Population Of Mexico
"This book is.. the quality of a real book. I want to.. chose this book and.. read this.." ~ Famous Reviewer Matt Kushat


12. Write Something And Make People Pay To Read The Rest Of It!
488 more tips availible in 500 Ways To Make Money Besides Getting A Job: A Self-Help Book For Lazy And Useless People: The Book!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Monday, May 17, 2010

The Different Kinds Of Advertisement Comments From Around The Web

Please go to this website!!!! www.chosenblacksmith.com?referral=14891346

You've all seen those kinds of comments before. People begging for you to go to a website with a referral link on it. People advertising the low low prices of their shoe websites, and so forth. These are known as spam comments. They're all pretty worthless, but the bots/desperate people who advertise them have different methods to do so, such as..

In Related News.. 
(AKA: This is awesome! You know what else is awesome?)
These comments are very deceptive. They start off as a normal comment, saying something good about the current subject matter, and then BOOM! They hit you with nonsense. They also have the gift of being very strangely worded. 

"Ah, I found another interesting game!" 

Who says that? It's like people who say "Gasp!" in sentences. Nobody says that in real life! You're not fooling anyone either. You didn't accidentally stumble upon this game as you finish commenting about how good the game is. The entire purpose of the comment was to introduce this stupid game, and you've went to about 30 different websites to do this. Of course, this isn't worded as bad as the next type of comment..

Look At Low Low Prices!
(AKA: This is some news, this is completely unrelated topics all the time!)
First of all, you can not tell these comments are from the people of this country do not write. But you start to pay attention to it. Broken English pop. Commenting on the end you begin to notice strange ASCII ...

Anyway, the grammar and punctuation and spelling in these comments are so bad, they have to list the prices and throw in free shipping to make you POSSIBLY THINK to KIND OF CONSIDER to MAYBE go to their website and have SOMEWHAT of a chance to buy ONE of their products. Maybe.


 W_e-A_r_e-G_o_o_d-A_t-_E_v_a_d_i_n_g-C_e_n_s_o_r_s
(AKA: We've become such a problem the censors block our site, but we can get around it)
 
Well, it's easy to tell this one apart. These have lines or spaces in between the letters of the website. This shows that the website's owner decided to block them from the website after they became a huge problem, but they're getting around it. This can be presented as related to the subject, or not related. The example above is a very loose relation, showing just "Who cares!!!" to tie the two topics together.

SM/M: Those advertisements in the comments for stupid dating sites and places where you can buy one shoe, two shoes, red shoes and blue shoes serve no purpose whatsoever!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Worst Kitchen Infomercial Products Ever (According To The Good People At InfomercialAds.com)

In a few years, today's technology will become yesterday's trash. So why do women still struggle to prepare meals in the kitchen? What's that, you say, they don't? What are you talking about? Haven't you seen those infomercials where the woman tries to cut that onion or something and stabs herself? Yeah, according to infomercials, they prepare meals like cave people. Don't worry, women! You can be cool and hip and prepare meals like the freaking Queen if you just buy the following products...

Miracle Blade
The infomerical for the Miracle Blade is cliche as hell. It shows a woman praying for mercy as she has to go another day trying to cut tomatoes. She raises a knife, and plans to either kill herself or cut the tomato. The captions aren't very helpful.
So she cuts the tomato. Inevitably, it sprays tomato juice all over her. The only way this could be more standard is if the scene was displayed in grayscale. Well, it would also be set up so that the woman cuts her own finger and cries, but that wouldn't really help the Miracle Blade because if the cheap knives shown here can cut your finger, what can the knife that can cut a freaking sledgehammer do?

Well, almost cut a sledgehammer. Well, it made a dent in your sledgehammer. The point is this is really freaking sharp. So how did the Miracle Blade set do? Pretty good. Out of 40 reviews, 19 were negative. That's a 53% success rate. Apparently, the main problem was that the knives rusted and were flimsy. Oh, and they dulled, which reduced your ability to cut sledgehammers by abound 70% [citation needed]


Ronco Automatic Pasta Maker
So this contraption selling for about 80$ makes pasta. Yeah, that's pretty much all it does. 22 out of 41 of the reviews for this useless contraption are negative. That's about a 46% rate. Right. So, the main problem? This post sums it up:

"I DO NOT KNOW HOW IT WORKS BUT WHAT IS THE POINT OF GETTING A MACHINE TO DO SOMETHING FOR YOU.OF COURSE IF YOU MAKE IT BY HAND IT MAY TAKE LONGER BUT AT LEAST YOU WILL BE ABLE TO DO WHAT EVER YOU WHAT TO DO WITH THE PASTA.THE UPSIDE IS THAT IT WILL NOT TAKE LONG,AND THERE IS LESS OF A HASSLE."
Might as well be called the Pasta Patriot Act, amirite? No? That's wrong? Well, screw you! It's my blog and I'll say whatever I want.

Actually, quoting that was just an excuse to make that joke. The real problem people have with this thing is the parts don't fit properly. They're made of plastic, so that may be why. And for such a cheap price (only 80$, I must remind you) no wonder why it's made so poorly!

Quick Chop
Back in the day before Vince, the ShamWow guy, Billy Mays advertised two products that were exactly the same as the only two products Vince advertised. Those two products were called Zorbees (ShamWow's duplicate) and Quick Chop (Slap Chop's duplicate). No, it's not just a coincidence. I mean, come on. Look at the infomercial for Quick Chop. It comes with the Quick Chop and the Quick Grater. Isn't that like the Slap Chop and the Graty? These products were all tested against each other and Vince's products were found superior. The commercials were superior too because Billy Mays did not use double entendres, but I digress...

Out of respect for the now dead Billy Mays, I will not insult this product. I will say that 20 out of 29 (21 out of 30 if I decided to count duplicate reviews) people were not satisfied. That's around a 31% rate of success. The customers' main problems? I think this one sums it all up:

"First,the space is so small,you only allow to chop one garlic; second,the blade isn't that sharp;the worse part is that it become rusty after washed."

Perfect Pancake
Don't you just hate it when you're cooking pancakes and your pancake dares to not be perfect?

Well, it'll never happen again with the new Perfect Pancake! This is a revolutionary device that makes your pancakes really freaking perfect! How long have you had to deal with your pancakes not being perfectly perfect? A year? Two years? How long have you cared? These people certainly did! Just listen to the customer reviews!

"Perfect pancake? I have never seen such a battered mess in my life. Batter went flying everywhere! And to top it off, after one use, the non stick coating was literally flaking off my pancake maker in dime size pieces. And I only washed it in soap and warm water. What a cheap piece of junk!"

Oh, wait, crap. Uh.. uh...

"Everything I attempted to cook with this terrible machine was transformed into a flying missile. I had eggs dripping from the kitchen walls and draped over the chairs. The room looked as though someone was staging a food-fight scene in a film. The problem is that there is a separation between the two pans, of about an an inch, which makes it impossible for food to stay in place while the pan is being flipped over. My experience with this product was a nightmare."
  
Okay, that's just two. I'm sure there are thousands of satisfied customers... right?

"I used the Perfect Pancake two times before I tossed it into the trash. It was so perfectly terrible that I didn't bother selling it. This is the biggest scam I've ever seen."
  
...Right?

"
Do not buy into the hype of The Perfect Pancake maker. I actually think it makes it harder to make a relatively simple pancake. When I tried to flip it over, the pancake didn't flip, it stuck to the top and the rest of the batter went everywhere. No matter how thick I made my batter, it always leaked out of the bottom of the dispenser."

Yeah, I think that's what we're all saying.

Out of 30 reviews, 22 of them were two stars and below. 22 of them. That's about a 27% success rate, barely over one fourth.

So the customer's main problem? The Perfect Pancake is the retarded.

Pasta Pro
  Oh, the woes of pasta! The Rosco Automatic Pasta Maker already got a bad reputation, but now Pasta Pro continues it, by being the worst kitchen infomercial product ever, or at least according to highly questionable reviews. So, this magic thing looks pretty unimpressive in the picture. How does it work?

Well, you cook the pasta in there. You drain the water out through the lid. It looks like someone fused a colander to a pot, but that's just me.
As hilariously bad as the product itself is, the infomercial is even hilariously.. better. To present my point, let's pretend Pasta Pro is medication.

ARE YOU FAILING TO DO SIMPLE TASKS LIKE DRAIN WATER FROM PASTA? 

IF SO, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT THIS CONDITION CALLED INEPT PASTA MAKING WIFE SYNDROME COULD AFFECT YOUR HEALTH!

SYMPTOMS INCLUDE:

WASTING MONEY ON PASTA AND THEN FEEDING IT DOWN INTO YOUR BLACK HOLE OF A SINK

WORLD DEVOID OF COLOR

CHILDREN ASSUMING THE BORED POSITION BY PUTTING THEIR HANDS ON THEIR CHEEKS

HUSBAND HAS SUDDEN INABILITY TO DECIDE BETWEEN RAISING THE ROOF AND ANGRILY TAPPING HIS WATCH TO SHOW DISCONTEMPT WITH WIFE'S LACK OF ABILITY TO MAKE PASTA WITHOUT THROWING IT DOWN THE SINK!


IF YOU NOTICE ANY OF THESE SYMPTOMS, IT MAY BE TIME TO BUY THE PASTA PRO!

Was that worth it? I'd like to think so..

So, how bad is the Pasta Pro? Out of 38 reviews, 33 of them were negative. THIRTY FREAKING THREE. That's 13%. THIRTEEN PERCENT. For every one hundred people that bought this product, 87 would be dissatisfied. EIGHTY SEVEN. 

I need to stop enunciating stuff.

So, what was the main problem of the customers? Cheap products, again. Paint flaking off, handles breaking, lids that do not fit, lids that actually do fuse to the pot...
 

Generic Signoff Message And/Or Moral Of The Story If There Was One.. okay, that was way too long. Let's try an acronym.

GSMA/OMOTSITWO.. no, sorry. Still too long. Let's call it Signoff Message/Moral, or SM/M.

SM/M: Women, amirite? They need support in the kitchen such as really sharp knives (that dull and rust), automatic pasta makers (with poorly fitting parts), choppers that happen to be quick (with dull rusty blades), tools that help create perfectly circular pancakes (that explode batter all over the face), and pots that are pro at draining pasta of water! (that flake paint, break handles, fuse lids to pots..)

Disclaimer: A review counted as negative if the review gave the product two stars or below. If I bumped the cutoff point to 3, we would have different results.

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